What good did he bring to your life?
Kat: Geez… Dick. Seriously. I didn’t have any positive experiences with penis up until that point. He showed me I could be into something else; that my sexuality was more complex than I thought it was, that I wasn’t just a blanket lesbian. That pushed me to learn things about being queer and to become more politically aware about shit. He was also a really smart person. He was an emotional idiot, but he was really smart and it was nice to be with someone who I felt could keep up.
It was the lack of honesty about anything… even how he really felt. Like, you can be like “yo, I love you, but I can’t be with you.” That’s honest. But not even that. It was just like… “I love you…” And that’s it. At one point we were always together. And that was really unhealthy. We were just obsessed with each other. And all we did was have a bunch of sex. And argue. And have a bunch of sex. And argue and then smoke weed. And have more sex. And he played me like a fucking game. He made the simplest thing so difficult. He knew I was hooked. He used that to his advantage the whole fucking time. He knew he had a pull on me and refused to let go. 6 months in I was like, “hey, what are we doing? I’m not trying to pressure you or anything…” But 6 months in and spending so much time with someone feels like I should have a better idea of what’s happening, and what this relationship is turning into. And he kept hitting me with like…. like we were “building.” He always said that shit. “We’re building.” He said that shit all the time. And I’m just like “what the fuck are we building???” Cause I feel homeless out here.
I feel like the destruction that happens to you emotionally when something’s wrong…it’s just like, it’s so much bigger to come back from. It gets in the way. We were so connected at the hip we were like best friends. So when that didn’t work out I was alone. I felt so alone without him. I don’t like that space. I like romantic space. But I need a friend. That began me thinking critically about, what kind of relationships do I want? Cause you can’t trust these hoes. [laughs] I’m deadass serious though. I took from it that I cannot be so trusting. And I don’t think that’s a great takeaway. I think its complicated love since for me. I feel like I’d rather be safe than sorry. And if love can lead to sorry then maybe I don’t want the big grand love. Maybe I’m okay with the abbreviated version.